If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
