can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
