matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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