Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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