So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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