Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
