I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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