im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
