Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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