My girlfriend figured out who you are.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
