paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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