last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
