Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
