Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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