So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize