the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
