Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
we're so committed to being not committed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
