Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
