Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
