and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
