is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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