He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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