You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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