We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
