She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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