She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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