I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
