I'd wear matching sweaters with you
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize