i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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