I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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