i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
