Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
