I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize