Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
