i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
