I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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