Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
