god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I think I won the penis lottery.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
