Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
