Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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