i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
