Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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