I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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