Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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