You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
