His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
