dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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