considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
