I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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