Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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