Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
