There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
