mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Randomize
