i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
