No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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