I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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