dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
