You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
