ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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