Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
