Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
