I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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