I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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